Trade-ins n Tirades

“Hiya, mate, welcome to Avondale Afflictions & Ailments.”

“Hi there.”

“Whaddaya trying to achieve today?”

“Just looking.”

“You look pretty healthy, mate … nothin obvious… internal issues then, eh?”

“Yeah … hemorrhaging.”

“Lemme guess; you’re lookin to downsize—trade in the ol’ affliction for 4 or 5 of nagging ailments?”

“Maybe not quite that many.  I was thinking two”

“Well, you got a bleeder, mate.  I’ll get you the best deal I can but you aren’t walkin’ outta here with only a hangnail and a bad haircut.”

“What do you think my trade-in’s worth?”

“Don’t know, mate.  Gotta look under your bonnet first, right?”

“Do what?”

“Ah, I’m just foolin with ya. You got a lotta miles on that ulcer?”

“Nah, not that many, really.  Got it mid-spring I think.”

“That recent, eh?  You’re pretty upside-down then?”

“No, not really … been taking my meds on time, eating healthy…”

“But it still bleeds alright, yeah?”


“You ain’t foolin’ me are ya, mate.  I mean I got scabs over there for $30.  If it don’t bleed it’s just a bloody scab, and I have more scabs then I know what to do with; barrels of ’em stacked to the sky, mate.  You know how many trades come with scabs, fella?”

“Well, …”

“You’re bloody right you don’t, mate! How could you; your an Internal, you don’t even know if you got one!  You know how many times I get back-dealt a scab by an Internal that’s promised me a grade-A terminal certainty?  No, you bloody well don’t know that either!  Look!  Look at all those scab I got just lying around.  That’s how many times, fella.  Ten thousand…”

“Uh, yes … must be hard to get rid of them.”

You’re bloody right on that one, mate.  So… you gonna make it ten thousand and one?

“Oh no, no … it bleeds like a champ.”

“Got a good ache to it?”

“Ache?  Hell, this is a red-hot brand in my gut!”

“Alright, you say you want as few as pos, right?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“Right.  Okay; I’ll trade you gout and a cataract for your bleeder.  That’s a fair offer, mate.  You walk outta here with only two ailments.”

“Gout?  I don’t know that I want gout.  Isn’t that an affliction?”

“No, it ain’t no bloody affliction, mate.  Who ever died from gout?”

“I’ve heard of people crippled by that.  Has it been treated?”

“Oh yeah, treated lotsa times.  Guy who traded it came in running shoes … jogged here.”

“Can I see the MedFax?”

“Uh … MedFax?  Sure you can see it, mate.  I got it back in my office.  We’ll get to that after we get you sorted out.  Sure, we’ll get you all settled in with your new gout and then we’ll see the MedFax and all the records and doctor stuff like that.”

“Did you say, new gout?  I thought it was treated?”

“Figure of speech, mate.  Come on, let’s put this together for ya … you got what ya came for; a few downsized minor annoyances.”

“I don’t know…”

“I tell you what, I’ll switch the cataract for herpes simplex 1.  Now that’s…”


“Simplex 1, mate.  It’s a bloody cold sore!  Once a month a tingle and a lil blemish, nothin’ a strong lad like you hasta worry about.  Now come on, whaddya say—we got a deal?”

“Yeah, okay, I guess so.”

“Outstanding.  Congratulations mate!  Now just put your feet up on this stool here and we’ll those shoes off, and if you could stick your bottom lip out for the nice lady with the herpes…”





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  1. You never mentioned this one! I love it! Love the concept, dark and humorous. I was laughing my ass off! I have gout, and that shit is a BITCH. You got off easy…mate.

  2. alexzandrastgrimm

     /  December 10, 2012

    LOL..- this one still makes me laugh..especially that last bit.



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